you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
