I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
