sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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