why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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