I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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