i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I pour the whiskey from now on
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
