i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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