Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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