My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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