then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
