At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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