Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
