it wasn't lemon gatorade
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
