Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
