i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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