I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
