the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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