My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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