Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
