i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
