I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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