I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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