I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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