I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
