Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
