this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
