i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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