so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
