Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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