I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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