I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just want nice things and good sex
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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