I love black thongs
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
