Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It was confusing and full of hummus
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
