Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
