Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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