I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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