so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
