Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
