Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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