I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
