Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
