I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
