well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
