Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
