i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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