ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
