can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize