Betty ford says i'm here all night
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
time to smoke my breakfast
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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