he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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