She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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