The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
