I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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