I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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