Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
