i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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