...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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