My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
