I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
