Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
